I thought that I was alone
Broken and afraid
But you were there with me,
Yes, you were there with me.
And I didn't even know that I had lost my way.
But you were there with me,
Yes, you were there with me.
Until you opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it without you.
And even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
You're the one who's gone before me,
You will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth:
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
And as I travel down the road
That you have led me on.
You are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.
And I have need for nothing more
Now that I have found that you are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.
I confess from time to time I lose my way
But you are always there to bring me back again.
And even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
Well, the one who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth:
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
Sometimes I think of what it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind.
But all I have and what I possess--
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me.
And even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
Well, the one who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
and after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth:
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
I thought that I was all alone,
Broken and afraid.
But you are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.
Every once in awhile you find that a song sums up, with every single perfect word, where you are. This is where I am so far this week and I'm vaguely aware that this is where I expected to be this semester. I'm hoping it gets better.
I woke at 7:00 to spend time reading and praying and found huge snow flakes whirling outside. I sat on my window seat for almost 2 hours watching snow I haven't seen since I was 8. It's beautiful. I digress.
I sit reading the Bible this morning and my eyes fill with tears as I realize the lasting impact of that religion class on my faith. It's not untainted anymore, even if I choose to hold on to it (that is to say, even if God is holding on to me). But I have so much trouble right now, being here, reading the Bible for what it really is. I've lost the innocence I had before and that (rightly and safely, I think) makes me angry.
Yesterday a professor from the soc/anthro department spoke in chapel on the lectionary, which had blessed me a moment before: Genesis 18 and Luke 15. His commentary was on Welcoming, the greatest good of all, it seems. A fitting message for a new semester with many students returning from trips abroad. He included "being openly gay or lesbian" in his description of people who can feel welcome here. "Yeah?" I thought in defiance: "Keep reading, stupid. What are you gonna do with Genesis 19? Leave it out of your lectionary? Stupid." (Stupid is an important word in my vocabulary right now.) And then as if to answer my question he interpreted Genesis 19 with all the unbelief and stupidity and evil of the worldview here: Genesis 19, so perfectly fit with Genesis 18, is a condemnation of Not Welcoming. Some people, apparently, misinterpret it to condemn the homosexuality of our (enlightened) day. But they are wrong. It condemns unwelcoming and (heh!) rape.
Stupid.
I just kept my head bowed and prayed. I'm not ready to give up chapel yet but I may come to that. I think it will remain good for me to be there if I counteract it with saturation in the rightly divided Word. I'm revelling in Calvin's Institutes right now.
This morning I woke up to discover that my roommate's stupid new boyfriend had spent the night.
Stupid.
I'm low right now. I'm distressed by the impact that religion class has had on my own faith. I'm uneasy about the huge dive I'm taking even this moment into the world of composition--class yesterday was sobering. Please pray for me to know God is with me. That's all that matters right now. If he'll be with me, I'll do this. If it's all a joke, then my reasons for going to St. Olaf are a fiction too and so I can just drop out and go home. Not to be dramatic or anything, but that's what it comes down to. But God holds on to me so I know I'm OK. It's just that I could really use assurance of that right now.
Another song...
I will lift my eyes
To the Maker
of the mountains
I can't climb.
Broken and afraid
But you were there with me,
Yes, you were there with me.
And I didn't even know that I had lost my way.
But you were there with me,
Yes, you were there with me.
Until you opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it without you.
And even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
You're the one who's gone before me,
You will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth:
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
And as I travel down the road
That you have led me on.
You are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.
And I have need for nothing more
Now that I have found that you are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.
I confess from time to time I lose my way
But you are always there to bring me back again.
And even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
Well, the one who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth:
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
Sometimes I think of what it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind.
But all I have and what I possess--
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me.
And even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
Well, the one who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
and after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth:
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
I thought that I was all alone,
Broken and afraid.
But you are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.
Every once in awhile you find that a song sums up, with every single perfect word, where you are. This is where I am so far this week and I'm vaguely aware that this is where I expected to be this semester. I'm hoping it gets better.
I woke at 7:00 to spend time reading and praying and found huge snow flakes whirling outside. I sat on my window seat for almost 2 hours watching snow I haven't seen since I was 8. It's beautiful. I digress.
I sit reading the Bible this morning and my eyes fill with tears as I realize the lasting impact of that religion class on my faith. It's not untainted anymore, even if I choose to hold on to it (that is to say, even if God is holding on to me). But I have so much trouble right now, being here, reading the Bible for what it really is. I've lost the innocence I had before and that (rightly and safely, I think) makes me angry.
Yesterday a professor from the soc/anthro department spoke in chapel on the lectionary, which had blessed me a moment before: Genesis 18 and Luke 15. His commentary was on Welcoming, the greatest good of all, it seems. A fitting message for a new semester with many students returning from trips abroad. He included "being openly gay or lesbian" in his description of people who can feel welcome here. "Yeah?" I thought in defiance: "Keep reading, stupid. What are you gonna do with Genesis 19? Leave it out of your lectionary? Stupid." (Stupid is an important word in my vocabulary right now.) And then as if to answer my question he interpreted Genesis 19 with all the unbelief and stupidity and evil of the worldview here: Genesis 19, so perfectly fit with Genesis 18, is a condemnation of Not Welcoming. Some people, apparently, misinterpret it to condemn the homosexuality of our (enlightened) day. But they are wrong. It condemns unwelcoming and (heh!) rape.
Stupid.
I just kept my head bowed and prayed. I'm not ready to give up chapel yet but I may come to that. I think it will remain good for me to be there if I counteract it with saturation in the rightly divided Word. I'm revelling in Calvin's Institutes right now.
This morning I woke up to discover that my roommate's stupid new boyfriend had spent the night.
Stupid.
I'm low right now. I'm distressed by the impact that religion class has had on my own faith. I'm uneasy about the huge dive I'm taking even this moment into the world of composition--class yesterday was sobering. Please pray for me to know God is with me. That's all that matters right now. If he'll be with me, I'll do this. If it's all a joke, then my reasons for going to St. Olaf are a fiction too and so I can just drop out and go home. Not to be dramatic or anything, but that's what it comes down to. But God holds on to me so I know I'm OK. It's just that I could really use assurance of that right now.
Another song...
I will lift my eyes
To the Maker
of the mountains
I can't climb.
9 Comments:
Sus,
I know Who has you and I know He won't let go. You have seen too much of His power in Your life. I know that you are His precious daughter.
I think that you will be a better defender of the faith for having been at St. Olaf. It is not fun and this professor will be held accountable for the lies he is teaching, but it is good for you to see what is out on the "front lines".
Love ya lots. I know you'll be ok, because I know that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.
Susan, I know exactly what you feel like with your religion class--exactly! I'm praying for you.
Dear Susan, it's a good thing you're there, not me, because if I were, both the roommate and the bedmate would have such a pummelling of fists, language, and wrath that they'd probably never come near me again--and thus perhaps never come near the Lord, either.
Praying for you.
Thanks guys. Yeah,
I bet you know Peter. And it's interesting that we can relate on that level. But God is God.
Yeah, I'm glad it's me not you, Kilby.
Love you too, Jordan.
Hey,
Believe it or not I have been in that same place, doubted those same things, and almost given up. I couldn't because I refuse to believe that I live in a universe in which I am nothing more than "lucy mud." I couldn't because in spite of the terrible problem of evil that exists on this planet, only Christianity offers a real answer. I couldn't because I saw the truth of the Scripture and how it showed itself in so many areas of my life. But when it came down to brass tacks, mostly I couldn't because I knew that the faith of my mother was more real than any nonsense that I heard from some professor.
After a while I realized that while doubt was natural, to cling to it in the face of all that God had given me was just "stupid."
We are praying for you, and that does make a difference.
Be good and don't do anything "stupid."
DrSamLam
P.S. If you have insomnia, you might like to listen to some of my sermons on www.drsamlam.com
Feel the love from Knox
Thanks DrSamLam! :)
All those supports are so true and so helpful (and vital!) and my favorite of all: I believe in the resurrection.
One of the most comforting things in the world is knowing y'all at Knox are praying for me!
Praying once again Susan that your light will shine before all at St Olaf, and praying your faith will be strengthened and renewed. Praying also God will draw near to you and reassure you of His undying love and presence. Pray for those around you in bondage to sin and deceived by lies.
Love,
Tina
Kilby said:
"...they'd probably never come near me again--and thus perhaps never come near the Lord, either."
Dearest Kilby, are you claiming to be "the Lord"?!? Haahaa! That actually sounded really bad! :-D
...miss ya', Susan!
Then again, if Phineas had been in your room that morning . . . !
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